Proclivities

I Got It From My Momma

I just had a lovely phone conversation with my mother that lasted at least an hour. I think I may have said approximately three standard sentences during said conversation. I love re-realizing how many of my traits were directly impressed upon me by her.

Narcissistic Ramblings

I got to spend part of the day with my darling sister, emmalion, today. She is such a wonderful person for so many reasons, but it’s her toleration of my narcissistic ramblings that proves her strength of character! That’s all beside the point, anyhow. While I love my time with Emma, topics involving the rest of my family always come up in conversation. This is normal, of course, but it makes me realize how terrible my coping mechanism has become. I don’t have the time, nor the will, to properly explain all of the intricacies of my family and our dynamics with one another, but I find that I have to mentally, emotionally, and physically distance myself from them to maintain what sanity and optimism I have.

Today, for instance, I heard about my bedridden mother’s belief that she has been healed by some shaman in Arizona, how my teenaged sister who has stopped going to school is now doing cocaine, how another one of my sisters (aged 22 and in her second semester of college) is trying to get pregnant with her boyfriend’s baby before he begins transitioning into a female, and also how my step-father has only gone to one of his last 12 scheduled shifts.

Every time that I think the spiraling out of control has at least slowed down, it just gets wonkier. My mom’s husband will probably get fired again and be unable to pay rent or bills (again), my youngest sister will end up in jail/hospital/rehab or her depression will get the better of her first, while college sister will get pregnant and/or her asshole of a boyfriend becomes a woman, and this will all drive my poor mother past what is at least her positive state of mind regarding her health and well-being which will cause her disease to flare up and then another attempt at suicide.

My mind can hardly fathom how much more complicated this whole situation is, regardless of speculation about the near-future. I don’t know how else to deal with it all besides compartmentalizing it and avoiding it all together. I’m weak. But it’s been effective. And I’m sure affective, too.

A Stream of Thoughts on a Trip to Madison

Some things are so easily forgotten, which is all a part of life; there’s no way we can remember everything. After going on an adventure of some variety, I always get a little bit depressed about the fact that many of the joys and intricacies of the situations that I experienced will slip away. I spent the weekend in Madison, so I’m having some of that anxiety of forgetting right now. Hence, this post (obviously).

I want to remember (or remind myself later by reading this) the delicious dinner that Lance served after I arrived. My reunion with Kevin, whom I had met in Paris this past summer. Drinking way too much with Kevin… warmth. I don’t mind forgetting the next day’s hangover. Kitty attacking my iPad and sleeping in my coat. And on my neck. Derek has a great sense of humor and I don’t remember the last person I met that I got along with so well from the introduction. Ice skating for the first time, and how happy it made Kevin. Kevin’s invitation for me to stay with him in Paris. Iron Lady. And how absolutely horrible I felt after Kevin lost his camera, as it was the first true emotion I’ve felt in… probably around a year. 

Yes, it’s obvious I have a small, pointless crush (not do discount anything about HIM, I’m just being realistic), but what I truly want to highlight is how numb I’ve become to everything and how worrisome that is. It shouldn’t take copious amounts of alcohol for me to let someone touch me. Not even sexually, just in general. Lately, I’ve been saying far too often that I hate people. I don’t want to hate people. I don’t want to force myself to be alone. There’s too much that I’ll miss out on. While my schoolboy crush on Kevin will subside for obvious reasons, I don’t want to forget the importance of human interaction and legitimate feelings and emotions.

In True Form

As a procrastinating American university student, I think it’s only natural that the evening before the start of a new semester marks my return to force-feeding myself social media.  I could finish making my bed, start the sculptural sketches and research that I have to present to my advisor this week, read a book, study French and/or Korean, go to sleep “early,” or even simply put the screen protector on my new phone before something unfortunate happens to it. No. I will compulsively check and recheck my facebook, twitter, tumblr, and other blogs because that is just what I do. I readily admit there are much better uses of my time, yet I can’t seem to muster up enough willpower to stop myself. However, I stopped caring about this compulsion months ago… I’m just enjoying reminding myself of it.

Sometimes it’s just so easy to get into the swing of things, and I like that.