Proclivities

A Stream of Thoughts on a Trip to Madison

Some things are so easily forgotten, which is all a part of life; there’s no way we can remember everything. After going on an adventure of some variety, I always get a little bit depressed about the fact that many of the joys and intricacies of the situations that I experienced will slip away. I spent the weekend in Madison, so I’m having some of that anxiety of forgetting right now. Hence, this post (obviously).

I want to remember (or remind myself later by reading this) the delicious dinner that Lance served after I arrived. My reunion with Kevin, whom I had met in Paris this past summer. Drinking way too much with Kevin… warmth. I don’t mind forgetting the next day’s hangover. Kitty attacking my iPad and sleeping in my coat. And on my neck. Derek has a great sense of humor and I don’t remember the last person I met that I got along with so well from the introduction. Ice skating for the first time, and how happy it made Kevin. Kevin’s invitation for me to stay with him in Paris. Iron Lady. And how absolutely horrible I felt after Kevin lost his camera, as it was the first true emotion I’ve felt in… probably around a year. 

Yes, it’s obvious I have a small, pointless crush (not do discount anything about HIM, I’m just being realistic), but what I truly want to highlight is how numb I’ve become to everything and how worrisome that is. It shouldn’t take copious amounts of alcohol for me to let someone touch me. Not even sexually, just in general. Lately, I’ve been saying far too often that I hate people. I don’t want to hate people. I don’t want to force myself to be alone. There’s too much that I’ll miss out on. While my schoolboy crush on Kevin will subside for obvious reasons, I don’t want to forget the importance of human interaction and legitimate feelings and emotions.